• Kai Helmich

Welcoming shame!

I meet on a daily basis people that all have one thing in common. I meet them in private and I meet them in my practice, I meet them by day and I meet them by night, I still meet it in myself, so I must also face it in my outer experience - till I finally release it from within myself.

What those shame-laden people have in common is that they can't authentically speak out and ask for what they want. They can't be specific and go into exact details, they become highly uncomfortable when you drill down and ask concrete questions, trying to find clarity or confirmation of what they actually want. Another symptom that shows up is that people with shame, poor their heart out making you agree to just get them in the door and from there they hope to get further on their actual agenda, personal need, desire or wish.

And that's so often when it all goes wrong. The shame-laden facade starts to push, dictate and or even bullies others over their own boundaries and creates non-consensual relating experiences that destroy the foundation of any relationship - TRUST.

So we are learning that if we can't trust then we turn our backs on people and avoid them at all cost. Of course why wouldn't you do that if you can't trust them. But what if I ask you to engage with that feeling of mistrusting "in your own belly" and rather distancing yourself (going into separation) stay your ground, welcome the opportunity to erase shame from your life by breaking the silence, asking for the secrecy in their behaviour to be revealed and offering them a wholehearted welcome that is fuelled by unconditional love, compassion and understanding of the toxicity and power of shame. Tell them that you are not judging the person for lying rather understand that a facade or inauthentic behaviours are the symptoms, SHAME is the cause.

So if we embrace shame as an opportunity rather then distance ourselves from it with judgement, rejection and abandonment then we brace ourselves for deeper, more intimate and loving relationships.

We all carry shame, there is no doubt and nearly no exception. So if you think that you or your partner does not carry any shame then you just need to dig a little deeper and question his/ her facade with some more scrutiny. Each time shame is triggered we or the other are actually calling for healing, calling to be seen, calling to have space held for us and to be loved no matter what.

Shame is the opportunity to be found out, to drop the facade and become truly authentic. The price that one has to pay is the incredible powerful and so often paralysing fear of being not lovable, not good enough or that fear that there is something not right within oneself that makes one unworthy.

Call it, invite someone with an open heart to unravel, to be seen and to be accepted, no matter what. That doesn't mean you have to do what is unravelling - by no means. All it means is that you allow someone or yourself to be who they/ you actually are. Doing isn't required in that instance of healing, it is about BEING that transforms and transcends everything.

Be yourself, invite others to be themselves and remember that sometimes that state of being needs some tough questions (for clarity and transparency) and also a willingness to answer those questions with some bold and courageous answers. Welcome shame and learn to communicate and you will see that your worst enemy is the one that you should love most as it is shame that holds great potential to be yourself or to allow someone to be themselves. "What's the point to love your friends, love thy enemies and you will find true joy and liberation"

Shame is your gateway, so engage with it,

break the silence

and grow a life full of joyful and trusting relationships.

About my Solo Tantra workshops

If you would like to learn how to engage shame as a healing opportunity then I would like to invite you to my shame-busting, liberating and oh so joyful Solo Tantra weekend experience. You can chose the Solo Tantra 1, foundations workshop or go all the way embrace and express your full being in a shame-free and non-judgemental group space. A once expanded mind can never forget the possible.

Sat 2nd Dec, Dublin - Solo Tantra 1 One day workshop


Sat 2nd + Sun 3rd Dec, Dublin - Solo Tantra 2 Weekend


Feel the need to speak to me beforehand. You are very welcome to, just contact me via e-mail first and we will set up a time for a chat via skype or over the phone.