• Kai Helmich

Why a NO becomes a YES for your sexlife

Most of us will dream to be ravished or ravish someone special in an act of genuine hot passion, but why does it become for some couples a reality and for others it doesn't or even turns into a nightmare. How come some dare to play out the most ridiculous scenarios and others are stuck to the missionary position for their entire life?

As in all aspects of relating it is in the honest and transparent communication where we bring clarity into any issues that concerns our individuality and our togetherness within a relationship. We built trust and understanding for each other and hopefully can find beauty in the differences of opinions, likes and dislikes of each other without always having to judge, make right or answer back. Sometimes all it takes is to thank the person for the act of intimacy, of daring to state and/ or make known what is going on or moving in the other. In any case before you trigger of what you have just heard, bite your tongue and ask if the person actually would like to hear your opinion or wants your feedback at this moment of time. A good tip, if you don't wish any feedback, comments or opinions coming your way, is to state and make known that you would like to share something but would like no immediate response. If you get the other person's agreement then you are ready to speak with the time and space needed for you to express your current offering of intimacy.

When genuine respect for each other is established more and more intimate acts of stating and make known can happen. The more you genuinely state and make known "of yourself" in an reciprocal manner the closer your bond will grow in your relationship. Remember intimacy is the glue that binds your relationship!

And here is the BIG ONE! Your NO is maybe your most important act of intimacy that you can offer your partner. STOP the pleasing, STOP cotton wrapping your partner, STOP saying YES to anything and everything but for god sake shine your light in an attempt to re-claim your personal power and therefore empower your beloved to shine his/hers, upping his/her game and stepping up into his/her own power.

A clear and solid NO creates a strong boundary, gives insights about ones limitations (at that moment of time) and offers further opportunities for playfull, curious and innocent improvisations to re-negotiate. A NO should not be seen too personal or even as a STOP sign that brings everything to a standstill rather it is an invitation to explore other avenues where flow is in mutual consent. And remember a NO right now doesn't mean it is always a NO, it just says that at this moment and under the current circumstances one is not willed to go along with the direction. When certain issues are resolved, when safety, security, transparent communication and trust is established then maybe that NO will change into a curious MAYBE which after further clarification, re-negotiation and implementation may turn into a hearfelt and desired YES. Another tip that I would like you to take on is about the meaning of MAYBE. From tantric workshops I learned that a NO is a NO, a YES is a YES and a MAYBE is still a NO - till it becomes a YES. Simples! :-) So if you or your partner isn't fully sure how something feels at this moment of time then please SLOW DOWN, hold everything that you are doing, open up communication and see what areas need to be clarified that the MAYBE turns into a YES or actually becomes a fully empowered NO. Meaning thank you very much, but till here and NO further! ...at least not into that direction.

What changes everything is when you can trust your partner's NO. When you can become creative and offer your partner your deepest invitations to explore certain scenarios, roles or activities knowing no matter what you offer her/him she/he is fully empowered to use her/his own authentic NO at any time. With the trust of that you can't hurt her/ him through your action one feels a full invitation to explore what else is possible - making the impossible possible!

So empower your NO and invite your partner to find ways that you say YES to. His/ her desire to connect with you ever more deeper will bring you to amazing places of deep intimacy, of mutual joy, fun and incredible pleasure. Enjoy the aftermath and creative unfolding of an empowered NO!